


I had you.

by yoimwriting



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Angst and Feels, Earth-shattering Realizations, Fix-It of Sorts, Future Fic, M/M, because I'm not that naive to put everything behind, let's be real, that being that Simon is a dumbass
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-25
Updated: 2018-12-25
Packaged: 2019-09-26 14:24:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17143409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yoimwriting/pseuds/yoimwriting
Summary: “No. I have to. I have to say this, I just… I fucked up, Raphael. Real bad. I should have stayed with you, training, not meddling in shadowhunters business. You were right: I’m not part of them and they would never understand this, us–”“There’s no us, Simon,” Raphael cut him off, his gaze on him, like this conversation wasn’t affecting him, “you made sure of that.”It was true, he ruined whatever chances he had, thinking Clary was the best thing when he had it just right next to him. At least Raphael was acknowledging that there could have been something between them.***Simon realizes all he mistakes that he had done and comes clean.





	I had you.

**Author's Note:**

> This is me trying to fix whatever happened between season 1 and 2. I wrote this before that Saphael sneak peek for season 3B and that teaser, the "first look", but for the most part everything that happened in those seasons, it's here.  
> I warn you, there's no "happy ending" in this. A lot of things happened between them and as much as I wanted for them to be together, it doesn't feel right. It would be like forgetting Simon's shitty behavior and I'm not having it. We all know Raphael doesn't forget easily, so with that in mind tread carefully.
> 
> This is also me trying to write angst, which in retrospective I should have known better because this h u r t s.
> 
> I would say enjoy but I mean, with those tags, who can really enjoy this? lol
> 
> Tittle comes from "Because I had you" by Shawn Mendes, which I recommend listening so you can really feel the pain.

Simon wasn’t known for his great ideas. In fact, those were scarce in the midst of the bad ones. Probably, the worst one was to follow Clary to the end of the world (meaning the downworld) and consequently turned to a vampire and the kicker was that he couldn’t go back. No, it wasn’t one of those things that could disappear once you figure out how to fix it.

But he managed. Well, he almost did. While he lost his mundane family, he was gaining another one, a bigger one. There wasn’t much to know about the clan, just that it was a bunch of vampires living in a half-done hotel and contrary to popular belief, vampires could be welcoming, especially to fledglings like him.

And yet, he lost that one too because he still got the idea that if he was following Clary everywhere and being his sidekick, they would end up together like every rom-com movie where the geeky guy would get the beautiful girl and while that did happen, that cost him those new friends and Raphael.

In his defense, he thought he was doing the right thing. Getting kicked out of the hotel? No biggie. Luke could help him out and spare him a place for him to stay in the meantime. A bounty over his head? Well, he just had to stay away from the vampires to avoid any bloodshed. His mom and sister finding out about is new nature? Count on Raphael to help him in that one, even after what happened. Trust Simon to be an ungrateful bastard after that.

Many would come to his defense and say something like he didn’t know what he was doing, that being a vampire was taking a toll on him and he just needed his family to feel _right_ again but the truth was, at least Simon’s truth, was that he did know. He knew about the consequences of freeing Camille, he knew that following Clary to the end of the world was pathetic at most (especially because she had an eye on Jace), he knew that using Raphael’s sister to get his attention was fucked up and calling him Scarface later on was even more fucked up.

And after all those times that Raphael was there to help him, to fix his mistakes, to train him, gave him a space to live when Simon didn’t have anything, Simon never thanked him or even apologized. Because it was easier not looking back, to just shrugged it of and move on with his life and just get into a new relationship with Clary, then Maia and now Izzy.

His life has been a mess after another, but one thing was clear: Raphael was a constant in his vampire life and it was because of him that he was alive. The saddest part? Simon never told him that, always afraid, always angry about something instead of realizing that Raphael had been his support system throughout those first weeks as a vampire and during those times, there was a connection. He would be stupid if he said there wasn’t, but he knew better.

Maybe that was why it hurt like that, on both ends. Simon betrayed Raphael’s trust, something that’s not easy to accomplish, in just a few seconds, over and over again. Never letting guilt get the best of him because, again, he had thought it was the right thing. How foolish.

Foolish because he just let the man go. The one that got away. And not matter how many relationships he could get, it would never be the same.

He would never have that connection with Izzy, no matter how much he could learn to love her. She wasn’t Raphael.

There, standing before him, was the man that has been clouding his head for the past weeks because it seemed that guilt was catching up to him.

“Something I can help you out with? We don’t have Camille anymore, so you don’t have to pretend that you are a hero.”

Simon was prepared for the scathing remarks, he deserved them anyway.

“I came to apologize. I think it’s long overdue” Simon said at last.

For his part, Raphael scoffed in disbelief. “You have some nerves, fledging. Coming here, thinking that after everything that happened, an apology would be enough. I just–” He looked up for a moment and shook his head. “Just leave, Simon. There’s nothing to talk about.”

“No. I have to. I have to say this, I just… I fucked up, Raphael. Real bad. I should have stayed with you, training, not meddling in shadowhunters business. You were right: I’m not part of them and they would never understand this, _us_ –”

“There’s no _us_ , Simon,” Raphael cut him off, his gaze on him, like this conversation wasn’t affecting him, “you made sure of that.”

It was true, he ruined whatever chances he had, thinking Clary was the best thing when he had it just right next to him. At least Raphael was acknowledging that there could have been something between them.

“I know” Simon nodded, “but that doesn’t mean there wasn’t and I’m sorry. For everything. I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought Luke helping me was better than you helping me, that he would understand my situation.”

“A werewolf would never be the same as a vampire. Don’t be stupid, Simon.”

“But that’s the thing,” Simon moved forward, ignoring the pang of shame and hurt when Raphael moved backwards, his arms crossed. “I was being stupid. I thought I knew better, everyone was a better option for me and I… I was wrong, you were the best for me and I just– You helped me going through my first weeks and I never thanked you for that.”

Raphael nodded but didn’t reply right away. Simon wanted to believe he was considering his words but knowing how thing were between them, he wasn’t sure about that.

“I should have apologized when I freed Camille,” Simon continued, hoping Raphael wouldn’t leave in the middle of his speech, “I shouldn’t have implied that you were hiding rogue vampire to Aldertree, never thought he would do what he did to you and I definitely shouldn’t have called you Scarface. I shouldn’t have used you sister as a bait.”

“If it wasn’t for the fact that I saw you turn, I would think you are just like the shadowhunters: using everyone around you for your benefit. I see that Isabelle Lightwood taught you well.”

He opened his mouth to defend her honor but after what happened between them, he clamped his mouth shut. Izzy told him about how she lured Raphael to get the yin fen, how she was guilty for succumbing to the drug but never mentioned how she got Raphael into that mess and as mush as he liked her, he blamed her.

“I imagined she told you all bout the yin fen. How she felt entitled to ban me from the city, from my clan.”

Simon nodded, swallowing hard. “It wasn’t right.”

“Of course it wasn’t! But she’s a shadowhunter and she will use her position for her benefit. That’s what shadowhunters do. I know that, Magnus know that, especially since the Lightwood boy used on him and don’t think for a minute she won’t use it on you.” He stopped for a second, looking at Simon expectantly, waiting for Simon to agree with him.

“You don’t know that.”

“I’ve been there, Simon” was his response.

They stood there, waiting for the other to talk, perhaps for a compromise from the other.

“I don’t know what you are expecting from this meeting but let me tell you this.” This time, Raphael was the one to move forward, his gaze hardened. “I don’t have time for you. You wasted your opportunities to come clean and now what? You want me to accept your apologies? Well, I accept your apology but don’t think that because of it, everything is forgotten. Don’t think that because everything is good on your side, just a few words would mend everything on my side.”

And what else he could do besides nodding? Raphael was right, and it was time for Simon to accept the fact that it was because of him that they were worse than before, Simon in a relationship he wasn’t sure how he got in and without the clan that welcomed him with arms open, and Raphael hiding because he was banned from the city. If only he listened to Raphael the first time, he wouldn’t be in this situation.

He wouldn’t be watching Raphael walk out of his life once again, saying “have a good life, Simon” while doing so.

Izzy might help him forget him but really loving her was something he could never do because he had Raphael and he just wasted it all for a girl that was never really interested in him.

He had Raphael.

And he just ruined it.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry :)


End file.
